We’ve all been there: hanging out with a friend or on a date, just for the person to spend most of their time fiddling, checking and toying with their smartphone. It doesn’t really matter to us if they’re looking at Facebook, Instagram, checking the news or having a whirl on a game. What’s grating is that their attention is on the screen, not you.
Chances are, you’ve also been the guilty party from time to time. Have you ever looked up from your phone to realise someone’s been talking to you for the last five minutes and you’ve no idea what they said? Frankly, it’s embarrassing, for both sides. Indeed, it’s ironic that with more ways than ever to connect with people, we can forget to socialise with people in the same room as us. One of modern life’s great mysteries is why scrolling through Buzzfeed lists of cute cats seems to take precedent over real life interactions with dear friends sitting opposite us. Also on their phones, no doubt.
This phenomenon has been dubbed “phubbing”, or phone snubbing, and runs rampant in (ever-lessening) polite society. Here we look at 3 IDEAL solutions to ‘phubbing’, a very modern social affliction.
Set the Tone
This can be a subtle way to let the other person know they’re being a bit remiss in wasting their time spent with you. Make a show of taking your phone out and turning it off when you first meet, hoping they might follow suit, or at least see that you expect your time together to be relatively free from phone fidgeting.
If your phone does go off, make a big deal of ignoring it and apologise to them, as this helps implicitly establish mutual guidelines for your hanging out (doctors on call, please ignore that!). Little gestures like this help let the other person know the priority is your time together. If they take a call, excuse yourself (“I’ll let you have some privacy”, etc.) and if they keep at it, suggest maybe you should reschedule hanging out for when they’ve got more quality time to spare. If you’re making the effort, the least you should expect is for it to be reciprocated.
Take The Hint
One way of looking at this, especially with making new acquaintances, is that phubbing could be a blessing in disguise; an early warning sign of social ineptitude which could spell greater friction in the future.
Take a first date. If the person you’re going out with is constantly checking their phone at the expense of getting to know you, it’s probably a fair indicator that there’s not much attraction on their end and that they’re probably not worth calling back. That, or they’re a sociopath.
Similarly, if a potential friend or colleague does this while you’re hanging out socially, maybe they don’t have much interest in getting to know you. Don’t be too offended by any of this. Instead, use it as a helpful litmus test of whether this dead weight would bring anything to your social circle. There are exceptions, but generally, this is poorly mannered behaviour and you shouldn’t feel it’s up to you to keep them entertained: you’re not a performing seal, after all. If you are a performing seal, however, well done at being able read. You’re in the wrong job.
Don’t Suffer On Silent – Vocalise Your Grievances
It would be nice if the person takes the more subtle hints mentioned earlier, but sometimes people just need to be told. Don’t feel bad about the need to get vocal; your time is precious and you’ve taken up part of your schedule on this phone-obsessed fool. Tell them that they’re on their phone a lot, indeed excessively, and inquire if they’re expecting an important call. If they aren’t, which clearly they aren’t – you were just deploying excellent sarcasm – politely remind them that you both agreed to spend quality time together. Go one step further, and exact an intervention, voicing concern for their addiction and offering help and support if they so require it. Silliness aside, this needn’t be mean.. Emphasise that you enjoy their company and really like spending time with each other. Flattery, as they say, will get you anywhere.
