Not another American tradition that’s being copied in the UK, we hear you cry! We already have Black Friday and Baby Showers…do we really need another date on the calendar founded for commercialism and profit?
In fact, your protests may have been a little erroneous. Technically, bridal showers are, in fact, Dutch in origin, with a history dating back to before the USA was even formed. Legend has it that these celebrations started in the 16th century when a young Dutch girl’s father refused to pay her dowry as he disapproved of her marriage. Villagers then showered her with gifts to help her start her new life, and a modern alternative to the dowry system was born! Anyway, we digress.
Nowadays, bridal showers have evolved to become a party for the bride, giving them a chance to take a break from the intensity of wedding planning and spend some time with their friends and family. More civilised than a hen party, it’s a chance for guests to shower the bride-to-be with wishes, good luck and gifts. It also gives the bride’s loved ones a chance to meet and bond before the big day.
If you’ve never been to a bridal shower, then you may be unsure of the etiquette involved. We’re here to help with that; here’s some bridal shower etiquette tips that every guest should know.
WHO ARRANGES THE BRIDAL SHOWER?
Traditionally, it’s the responsibility of the maid of honour (with a little help from the bridesmaids) to organise proceedings. However, anything goes, and ‘tradition’ doesn’t really apply to an event so recently adopted here in the UK. Even the bride herself can arrange it herself!
CAN I HAVE A HEN DO AND A BRIDAL SHOWER?
A bride can have a hen and a bridal shower. Infact, it’s not unheard of for a bride to have several bridal showers with different groups of friends. Generally speaking, bridal showers are a much more lowkey, laid back affair and are perfect for some of the more senior members of the family!
WHEN SHOULD IT BE HELD?
Tradition dictates that bridal showers are held four to six weeks before the wedding. However, there’s no reason it can’t actually be held in the same week as the wedding, allowing out-of-town guests to attend without having to make a long journey twice.
WHERE SHOULD IT BE HELD?
Well, anywhere you want. However, bridal showers are usually a fairly modest event and held at someone’s house. We think it’s important to take into consideration people’s budgets here – weddings cost huge amounts of money for guests these days, and having a destination bridal shower alongside a hen do and wedding is a bit much, perhaps.
WHO SHOULD YOU INVITE?
The bride’s nearest and dearest, of course. However, marthastewartweddings.com rightly point out that “because it’s understood that guests should bring a present to a shower, it’s not appropriate to invite people whom you don’t plan to include in the wedding itself. One noted exception is an office shower; it’s not usually possible to invite all of your colleagues to the wedding, but they may want to help you celebrate nonetheless.” Decisions, decisions.
IS THE GIFT FOR THE COUPLE OR THE BRIDE?
Since it’s a bridal shower, many guests believe that it’s only appropriate to buy a gift for the bride. However, it’s not obligatory; you can get something for her new home, an item that both the bride and groom will benefit from, or if you want, you can get something specifically for the bride.
That said, if you’re planning to customise something unique to you and the bride, or you want to bring a special gift for the bride not the happy couple as a duo, then the bridal shower is your best chance. For the wedding or any other event that includes the couple, the gift should be for both of them.
WHAT’S AN APPROPRIATE BRIDAL SHOWER GIFT?
Anything that the couple or the bride wants is an appropriate bridal shower gift. However, if you’re planning on choosing a wedding gift from the couple’s registry list, then you should get creative with the bridal shower gift. If you’re looking for bridal shower gift ideas solely for the bride, try to make it personal. You can get a customised necklace that has her name or her partner’s name on, a gift voucher for her favourite spa in the run up to the Big Day, or even a congratulations video from her favourite celebrity.
HOW MUCH SHOULD YOU SPEND ON THE GIFT?
Many people don’t know how much they’re supposed to spend on a bridal shower gift, especially if they’re going to get both an engagement gift and a wedding gift.
There’s no specific budget for the bridal shower gift, but etiquette states that the wedding gift should be more valuable than the bridal shower gift. You can use the 60-20-20, or the 70-30 rule in case you’re only invited to one pre-wedding event.
What do all those numbers mean, we hear you ask? Well, you should start by setting a total budget for all the events that you’re going to attend. Let’s say you’re attending the bridal shower and the wedding. In that case, you will spend only 30% of your total budget on the bridal shower gift, and 70% on the wedding gift. If you’re attending more than one pre-wedding event, then 60% goes to the wedding gift, 20% to the bridal shower gift, and the other 20% for the engagement party.
CAN I SKIP THE BRIDAL SHOWER GIFT ALTOGETHER?
Although it’s not considered good form swerve the gift giving altogether, some guests prefer to get one big gift for the couple instead of two small gifts, but before you do this, you should talk with the bride.
Generally speaking, it’s not appropriate to attend a bridal shower empty-handed – what were you planning to shower the bride with, water? – and doing so rather defeats the point of the occasion.
WHAT IF YOU CAN’T AFFORD AN EXTRAVAGANT GIFT?
Many guests want to give the couple extravagant gifts, but sometimes they are not able to afford them on their own. If the bride has requested an appliance such as a refrigerator, washing machine, or a television, and you don’t feel comfortable paying for it yourself, you can coordinate with other guests and you can all share the cost of that gift.
Anyway, it’s the thought that counts; something small, handcrafted and personal to your relationship, even if it only cost a few pounds to put together, has far more resonance than an overly showy present.
WHAT TRADITIONS ARE THERE OTHER THAN GIVING GIFTS?
Games of course! Should you be attending, it might be helpful to the host if some of her guests come armed with some fun activities for any lulls in the atmosphere.
Weddingideasmag.com suggests the following games:
“Guest Clue: The host will write down questions which apply to each of the guests. The guests will then have an hour to mingle and work out who everyone is. Example: Who is the bride’s oldest friend?”
“Would She Rather? This game is a party favourite. The rules are self-explanatory: show how well you know the bride by answering multiple choice questions about what she’d rather do. Example: Would she rather never drink again or shave her head?”
THE BOTTOM LINE
The bridal shower is a wonderful opportunity in the lead up to the wedding for the bride and her loved ones to luxuriate in a day away from wedding planning and stress. If you’re attending, make sure you bear these bridal shower etiquette tips in mind to ensure the celebration runs as smoothly as possible.
Phew, now you just have to focus on the Big Day itself. Fortunately, we’ve some great advice on wedding etiquette, too; here are 7 tips for being a great guest.