Divorce can hit you like a ton of bricks. It can bring up all sorts of emotions, from anger and sadness to confusion and uncertainty. Even if you were the one who instigated the divorce, it’s all too easy to get swept up in dealing with a divorce lawyer and making dramatic changes to arrangements in your life that were once familiar. Doing so can mean you don’t give yourself the time to process this major change properly.
Being a spouse can feel like an integral part of your identity, as one half of a team that made decisions together, enjoyed the good times and perhaps even raised children together. And when you suddenly find yourself on your own, you may question who you are outside of your marriage and not know how to navigate this new territory.
But divorce offers an opportunity to reconnect with yourself, and while it won’t all be rainbows and unicorns, it can still be an exciting, enjoyable and incredibly liberating experience. With that in mind and with eyes firmly looking on the bright side, here’s how to embrace (and maybe even enjoy) life after divorce.
YOU DON’T NEED TO REINVENT YOURSELF
Most of us know someone who went through a breakup and completely transformed themselves. They might have channelled their loss into getting fit at the gym or completely changed their hairstyle.
Why do we do this? When a relationship ends, it’s easy to feel a total lack of control, so changing your appearance is a way to claim authority over what’s happened. It might also be a way to express your newfound freedom or disassociate yourself from the person you were when you were in the relationship.
But you don’t need to get out the hair dye or buy a gym membership to reinvent yourself after divorce. Instead, spend some time getting to know you. Marriage is all about compromise, but a divorce gives you the freedom to do what you want. That hobby you took part in because your spouse loved it, even though you secretly hated it? You don’t need to do that anymore!
Think about what you enjoy, and embrace it with vigour. Create a perfect date night for yourself. Go out and see a movie on your own. Take yourself to that new restaurant you wanted to go to but couldn’t because your spouse didn’t like seafood. Or simply stay in and binge the TV series that’s caught your eye while enjoying your favourite takeaway. These are days for a little indulgence. And when combined with that gym membership…well, you know what they say about variety being the spice of life?
MAKE NEW FRIENDS
After divorce, you may feel like the odd one out amongst your happily married friends. If you were married for a long time, a lot of your friends might also be friends of your spouse, which can be an awkward proposition at social gatherings.
Making new friends who are yours and yours alone will help you move on instead of being reminded of the past. Going to a class or trying out a new hobby is a great way to meet new people, whether you want to try your hand at yoga, go on a cooking course or express yourself at an art or craft club. And even if you don’t click with anyone, you’ll have learned a new skill or discovered a new favourite pastime!
WRECK YOUR WEDDING DRESS (YES, REALLY!)
Dress wrecking is an empowering act that began as a post-wedding photography trend, where newlyweds would pose for photos while splattering their wedding attire in paint. But now, divorcees are destroying their wedding dresses to celebrate the start of a new journey, too.
Much like screaming or destruction therapy, wedding dress wrecking can be cathartic. Last year, Anna O’Neill, a mum from Kent, enlisted her friends to help ruin her £1,200 designer wedding dress. How? By filling 12 water guns with paint and coloured flares!
About her decision to host a paint fight, she said: “I wanted to do it for other parents going through divorce, which can be tough, and who are holding the fort together.’
‘The most important message is that things get better, and we can turn it around.”
Many women who choose to turn heartbreak into something beautiful find it a therapeutic and liberating experience. Whether you decide to get out the paint, grab a pair of scissors or set your dress on fire, wrecking your wedding attire can be a powerful way to embrace your new future.
Just remember to dispose of the debris responsibly at the end of the process. Or, frame it!
Read: How to deal with a divorce or break-up without losing your head
KNOW THAT IT WON’T BE FOREVER
Being told “as one door closes, another opens” doesn’t provide much comfort on a lonely night. You might even feel that things will never be the same again. The truth is, things will be different, at least for a while, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Being on your own can be scary at first, but time does heal, and it won’t be long before you find yourself enjoying your new freedom once again. You might find love again (even if dating is the furthest thing from your mind right now), or you might come to genuinely love being single and find yourself fiercely protective of your independence.
Going through a divorce and coming out the other side is the hardest step. You’ll still have days where painful memories resurface, and that’s okay — allow yourself to feel. It may be a cliche, but that doesn’t make it any less true: with each day, things will get a little bit better.