Divorce is widely regarded as one of the most stressful life events one can endure. Ending a marriage certainly isn’t easy, and when there are children involved, it can become even more complex to untangle two lives.
That said, no couple should ever have to stay together just because the alternative is complicated or the life admin involved seems too daunting. While getting divorced is certainly a stressful, time-consuming event, it doesn’t have to be messy. Here’s how to avoid acrimony.
FIRSTLY, WHAT IS THE DIVORCE PROCESS?
The first step to avoiding an acrimonious divorce and keeping things amicable is to understand the timeline of the process. Both parties being informed and aware of the facts prevents surprises; and when one member of the divorce process is blindsided, they might feel deceived. This inevitably leads to tension.
It takes around 4-6 months to dissolve a marriage if both parties agree to the terms. If there are bumps and disagreements along the way, this process can take much longer. To start the proceedings, however, an individual must first determine if there are grounds for divorce.
It isn’t currently possible to simply dissolve a divorce because you both agree to it. Instead, someone must take the blame for the breakdown of the marriage. Generally speaking, there is only one rock solid reason used as grounds for divorce, whether that’s reasonable and responsible or rancorous, and that is that the divorce has ‘irretrievably broken down’. The petitioner (the person seeking the divorce) must prove this to the court, citing one of the following five reasons:
- Adultery – it’s recommended that the other parties involved in adultery are not mentioned by name in the petition, to avoid acrimony.
- Unreasonable behaviour – the terms and accusations here should be agreed by both parties prior to the petition being filed, in order to prevent things getting messy, contested, and the process becoming drawn out. ‘Unreasonable behaviour’ is now the most common reason cited for divorce.
- Desertion – very rarely used.
- Separated for two years, with mutual agreement – the most amicable reason, usually.
- Separated for five years, with no agreement needed – this can be used without the other party’s consent.
One spouse petitions the court for a divorce and provides evidence for one of the above reasons. If satisfied, the court will grant a decree nisi. This is the first step in securing a divorce.
The couple must then wait six weeks and one day before they can apply for a decree absolute. This dissolves their marriage. Before the decree absolute is signed, the couple must agree to things like a financial settlement and childcare arrangements.
WHEN DO DIVORCES GET MESSY?
There are a number of ways a divorce can go off the rails and get messy. The first hurdle is determining the grounds for divorce. If no party is at fault and the couple decide they want to divorce, the only way to achieve this is by separating for two years. This isn’t practical for many reasons.
To speed up the process, the couple can lay blame on one party. But this can cause animosity between the couple and lead to feelings of contempt further down the line. One spouse would have to admit to either adultery, unreasonable behaviour or desertion.
The next issue that many couples face is in untangling their finances. Joint bank accounts, homes and even shared businesses can cause a lot of conflict in a divorce. Deciding who is entitled to what after a divorce can be very difficult, particularly if one spouse isn’t entirely honest about their finances.
And finally, debates over children and custody are another reason for a divorce to get ugly. While some couples manage to land on the perfect arrangement for their children straight away, others may feel they should be entitled to more time with their children or more support from their ex-spouse.
Often, it is not one issue but a combination of problems that makes a divorce more difficult. For example, a disagreement about money may spill over into childcare arrangements. And when feelings are hurt when one spouse has to take the blame for the divorce, this can also damage the smooth running of proceedings.
COULD A NO-FAULT DIVORCE HELP?
A straightforward way to avoid a messy divorce is to allow couples to end their marriage amicably. At the moment, this is only possible after a two-year separation. However, the introduction of the option of a no-fault divorce on 6th April 2022 could help couples to keep things friendly.
This would remove the need for couples to place blame for the breakdown of their marriage, and instead focus on untangling their lives in the fairest way possible. Couples would apply for such a divorce jointly, with no option to contest the divorce once the process begins. This path to divorce would also include 26 weeks of reflection to ensure they are not throwing in the towel prematurely. All of this is designed to prevent acrimony, animosity and drawn out legal proceedings.