Do you feel like your relationships with friends and family have weakened over the course of the last 20 months? You’re not alone. As the Washington Post reported last year, the stress of the pandemic was increasingly destroying previously close bonds held between loved ones.
A more recent investigation by Relate pointed to the lasting impact of the crisis on families, with the strain that lockdown placed on relationships still present as we look forward to some semblance of normality resuming.
If you’re keen to arrest this decline, extend an olive branch and start afresh as we all adapt to the new normal, then here’s how to improve your bond with friends and family.
REPLY TO MESSAGES
There are two types of people in this world, those who reply to text and WhatsApp messages promptly and those who open a message, read it with the intention of replying, and then don’t.
Sound familiar? Well, here’s a couple of things you can do. If you’re really busy or simply don’t feel in the mood for chatting, just acknowledge the message and tell them you’ll reply later – and actually do reply later.
Or, if typing and texting feels too time consuming, then it’s much, much quicker to leave a voice note. What’s more, as the Metro in their article on The Psychology of Voice Notes points out, “you get the intimacy of sharing your voice, and hearing the voice of your loved one, without the pressure to engage on the spot”.
Moreover, voice notes tend to take less of your attention, meaning you can fit them in around your life more easily; you can send one while you are walking to the shop, or listen to one while you make a cup of coffee.
PICK UP THE PHONE
Yes, we realise that you probably fear picking up the phone as much as we do. Type ‘’Millenials hate…’’ into Google, and ‘’phone calls’’ is the search engine’s first suggestion. ‘’Talking on the phone’’ is its third.
Incidentally, ‘’mayonnaise’’ comes second, which is curious. Imagine eating mayonnaise whilst making a phone call. Pure fear…
Anyway, regardless of this untold, somewhat irrational hatred of phone calls, never underestimate the value of making one. Research shows that phone calls create stronger bonds than text-based communications and that’s what you’re here for, right?
One of the best ways to overcome the fear of phone calls, then, is also the most simple; expose yourself to more of them. Start off small; just phone a friend to say hi (hey, you could even warn them first!), and slowly evolve this into 5 minute conversations, before you allow yourself to let go and embrace a full on ramble-chat.
The more calls you make, the less overwhelming the phone calls will be. Eventually, you might even grow to like them.
BE A GOOD LISTENER & ASK QUESTIONS
One of the best ways of connecting with people is to practice active listening, as opposed to simply waiting for your turn to speak. In doing so, you’ll learn more about your friends, provide a supportive ear to someone’s problems, and invest in your relationships, nurturing understanding and compassion.
If you’re not a good listener, it will be difficult for people around you to open up or feel connected, and eventually, they might stop sharing their lives with you at all. Make efforts to be fully present in conversation, asking as much as answering, without a single glance at a phone, and you may well find your own life is enriched just as much as your loved one’s.
But what exactly defines a good listener? Well, back in 2016, Harvard Business Review analysed the data of almost 4’000 participants in a development program designed to help managers become better coaches in order to identify what makes an effective listener.
They found that good listening isn’t just about staying silent and occasionally nodding in agreement. Instead, it’s those who asked follow up questions that demonstrated they’d comprehended the nuances of the conversation who were regarded as the best listeners. Those who genuinely wanted additional information and managed conversations as a two way street ticked all the right boxes as good active listeners, it seems.
This ‘active listening’ is also defined by the listener’s ability to create a safe environment for conversation where deeper thoughts and feelings can be conveyed. This is facilitated by a sense of cooperation rather than competitiveness in conversation.
The analysis also found that truly great listeners made suggestions and gave advice based on an implicit, deep understanding of the conversation, rather than basing responses on their assumptions of what the speaker might mean.
So, can we ask you; what’s your opinion on all of that?
CUT YOUR FRIENDS & FAMILY SOME SLACK
Everyone has their flaws, even when it comes to the closest relationships with friends and family members. If you expect your connections to be flawless all the time, then you’re guaranteed to become disappointed when people don’t meet your expectations.
Remember that no relationship is perfect, so there’s no need to compare yourself with others to feel good about yourself. Instead of putting pressure on others or yourself, focus on nurturing emotional connections by loving one another unconditionally while accepting each other for who they are, flaws and all. Your friendships should become much stronger over time if you embrace this mindset.
It also pays not to build up unrealistic expectations of just how ‘in touch’ and connected friends and family should be. As NBC explains, “Some people do have a tendency to withdraw if they’re going through a tough time (a lost job, divorce or some other problem)”. So, cut your friends and family some slack if contact isn’t constant; there could be a whole host of explanations why.
Being ‘always available’ in the digital age can become tough. Instead, focus on strong relationship maintenance and embracing the quality time you do spend together. Speaking of which…
QUALITY NOT QUANTITY TIME
Relationship maintenance depends on a variety of communication methods, from those phone calls and WhatsApp messages we mentioned all the way to that active listening you should be practicing.
But a constant barrage of memes and asides at 1AM won’t necessarily cultivate the most healthy of relationships. Sure, that form of communication and community was so important in the context of the COVID-19 crisis, when so many of us were locked down and uninspired. Now, however, with restrictions lifting, it’s a good idea to nurture your bonds in person, at least once in a while, placing an emphasis on quality rather than quantity time.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Sometimes, rebuilding a damaged relationship or improving an already strong connection isn’t as difficult or time consuming as it first seems. By focusing on nurturing quality time and being an active listener, and by being available but not dependent, you can build back bonds that have been lost over this impossibly trying last 20 months.