‘’It’s not you, it’s me’’. Whilst being dumped undoubtedly hurts like hell, let’s put the shoe on the other foot for a minute; breaking up with someone is never easy, either. If you really care for the person, ending the relationship can be harder still, bringing with it a mixture of guilt, self-doubt and concern for the other party.
In some cases, these feelings can last for a significant stretch of time, clouding future judgment and leaving both parties feeling unable to move on. If it’s likely that your ex is pretending to be over you and they’re displaying telltale signs of being powerless to forgive and forget, then, fortunately, there are some ways to help your ex move on from your relationship. Here are 6 of them.
EXPLAIN WHY THE RELATIONSHIP ENDED
Reeling off the cliches can be painful to hear; ‘’I love you, I’m just not in love with you’’; ‘’You deserve better’’; ‘’We can still be friends’’; ‘’Maybe we can try again one day’’. Things like this only serve to offer false hope and that glimmer only leads to more heartache later down the line.
Instead, calmly and politely, even clinically, explain to your ex the reasons why the relationship ended, from both sides and without criticism or judgment. Of course, this is a conversation that needs to be approached with the most delicate of touches; make sure it takes place in a neutral setting, ideally in public and certainly without alcohol. Use logic and rationality, rather than emotional language, and don’t apportion blame.
This sensible approach will confirm gently but firmly that you’ve moved on, and will demonstrate that it’s best if your ex does the same. Years later, they’ll be grateful for your objective, dispassionate stance.
YOU PROBABLY CAN’T JUST BE FRIENDS RIGHT NOW
The urge to keep in touch with an ex can be powerful. However, as Vox explains, “When people see their ex-partner, they tend to feel more sad (not fun!) and also more in love with their ex (possibly fun, but not useful for moving on)”.
If your partner still isn’t over your time together, you risk stunting their personal growth and prolonging their distress and longing.
Even if you’d still like to be friends in the future, it’s important to give your ex space to regain their independence. It also gives you time to focus on yourself, and that’s important, too. Just because you were the one who ended the relationship, doesn’t mean you won’t be struggling to come to terms with a different future, too.
GIVE THEM PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL SPACE
It’s hard to see someone you care about hurting and you may feel responsible for the way they are feeling. But it’s important to give them both physical and emotional space; otherwise, you risk elongating their mourning.
As a couple, your lives would have been intertwined and it’s best to untangle things to allow for both of you to move on.
It’s important to consider mutual stomping grounds. If you frequent the same supermarket or drink in the same pub, you should consider changing your routines and habits to avoid an uncomfortable, accidental meeting. Should you remain close with the same friendship circles, endeavour to manage meetings together so you’re not inadvertently thrust into the same room on a Friday night.
And though this should go without saying, if you are the one who initiated the break up, for heaven’s sake, don’t have a moment of weakness after a glass or two of wine and message them out of the blue. You owe them the space and distance.
DON’T GIVE THEM FALSE HOPE
If, after some time apart, you’d like to try to be friends, be sure not to fall into old habits which may inadvertently lead them on, like holding their arm while you walk or texting them a little too late into the evening. If you do re-enter the friend zone, establish clear boundaries in that clinical way we encouraged earlier to avoid confusion.
ENCOURAGE THEM TO “FIND THEMSELVES’’
After a break up, we often feel confused about our sense of identity, which has been so firmly and inextricably linked to the other person. A part of us, even a whole of us, can feel bereft and those who have been through a particularly traumatic break up often describe the sense of ‘something missing’ or being ‘torn away’.
Your ex may be feeling this way, but try to encourage them to reframe the break up into an opportunity. After a split, we often rediscover parts of our identity that had been neglected because they didn’t neatly fit in with our partner’s personality, and sometimes, this can be exciting, revealing new opportunities and a sense of hope for both parties.
DON’T FORGET TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, TOO
You’re going through a difficult time, too. There’s a whole lot of acrimony and formality in life events like this, and sometimes it can be easy to forget that you have a life to get on with. Try to surround yourself with friends and family who will boost your self-esteem and listen to you without trying to tell you what to do.
You do not need to spend time with people who bring you down or try to keep you dwelling on the past and wallowing in self-pity. Look after yourself following the break up, and eventually, things will look a little rosier.
Read: Life after divorce: How to embrace (and even enjoy) this new chapter of your life
THE BOTTOM LINE
Time heals. As explained in the Independent, “According to research published in The Journal of Positive Psychology, it takes 11 weeks to feel better after a relationship ends. But a separate study found it takes closer to 18 months to heal from the end of a marriage”
So while you feel guilty now, know that they will move on and be happy again, just do what you can to make the process as easy on them as possible.