“Self-confidence is a bit like the running water in your house. You may not know every detail about how it works or where it comes from, but it’s painfully obvious when it’s not there” Eric Ravenscraft, The New York Times
We all have days where we want to hide inside and not face the world; that’s human nature. Equally, we all have days where we feel that little bit more confident; when putting our best foot forward doesn’t end in us tripping, where every interaction flows without feeling forced, and taking on the world feels eminently possible.
But what if we told you that those days, of high confidence and control, could be more than just sporadic? This isn’t a game of chance; here’s how to build self esteem that lasts.
IT’S ALL ABOUT POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS
Affirmations are a powerful way to start any day. By feeding yourself loving and kind thoughts, your mood and energy will begin to shift positively. It’s never a bad idea to tell yourself how beautiful and creative you truly are; go on, do it now.
You are beautiful and creative.
If someone gives you a compliment, you can use this as a positive affirmation and repeat it to yourself to make it stick. Or, Google “the best you are enough quotes of all time” and find one the one that speaks to you. Here are some to get you going:
‘’The day you’ll stop fitting into the world, you’ll start living.’’ The Diary for Life
“Speak victory. Declare that you are well able. Get in the habit of rewarding yourself – for small milestones. Cheer yourself on!” Germany Kent
“To be happy you don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be real and accept yourself as you are because you are already enough” The Diary for Life
LEARN TO BE ASSERTIVE
Assertiveness is based on mutual respect, and practicing it can result in better self-esteem for you and those you engage with.
Knowing when (and how) to speak your mind is essential; as Good Therapy explains, “The problem with an inability to be assertive is that it often goes hand-in-hand with low self-esteem. When we are unable to be assertive, we may set into motion a vicious cycle where feelings of unworthiness are reinforced, leaving us even less empowered to stand up and take proper care of our needs”.
So, how do you be assertive? The NHS suggests that “One trick is to look at other people who act assertively and copy what they do…It’s not about pretending you’re someone you’re not. It’s picking up hints and tips from people you admire and letting the real you come out”.
Being assertive means speaking up for yourself. It also means being able to express your opinions and feelings, and, importantly, being able to say no. Which brings us to our next point.
SAY NO MORE OFTEN
‘No’ is a small but powerful word. People with low self esteem often say yes to other people too readily, but often, this becomes a vicious circle. As Huffington Post explains, “Every time you say yes just to appease someone else, you are not taking care of yourself. In effect, it can be a form of self-abandonment”.
Behaving passively can worsen your self-esteem and limits your ability to truly express yourself. Instead, work on being able to say no with a measured but firm conviction.
SPEND TIME WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE
If you find certain people tend to bring you down, the solution really is this simple; spend less time with them. Find people who inspire and motivate you, and make an effort to include them more in your life.
This should apply to your online sphere, too. Give your social media accounts a once over, removing, unfollowing, blocking, unfriending and deleting any sources of negativity. Instead, fill your feed with people who encourage positivity. Who knew it could be so simple?
NURTURE YOUR OWNER MOTIVATOR
We’ve all become a little less well drilled in face-to-face communication after the 20 or so months we’ve all had. Locked down and socially distanced, many have lost their knack for breezy, easy chat with their peers.
Conversely, the best way to be more confident isn’t to work on your conversation skills with others, but rather, to hone the way we communicate with ourselves.
Indeed, our internal monologue and the way we speak to ourselves has a massive influence on our mood and outlook. But just as negative self-talk can cause problems, so positive self-talk can build your confidence in a way which has legs and longevity.
Numerous studies have even found that developing positive self-talk habits is useful for dealing with stress and anxiety. According to Very Well Mind, ‘’If your self-talk is generally negative, you may be perceiving events…as more stressful than they need to be and creating unnecessary anxiety and stress for yourself.’’
Instead, nurture that inner mentor and motivator, acknowledging when you’ve done well and forgiving yourself if you’ve messed up. Of course, this comes with practice, but a fantastic way to slowly, even neurologically, cultivate this gentle and positive mindset is by keeping a gratitude diary or jar…
START YOUR GRATITUDE JOURNEY TODAY
Negativity and pessimism seem sown into the very fabric of life in 2021. But rather than succumbing to the creeping malaise of the times, it’s essential to kick back with positivity if you’re to develop stronger self esteem.
Amazingly, several studies have shown that a positive outlook and a daily recognition of gratitude can have a marked impact on your state of mind. As Harvard Health point out, ‘’gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships’’.
But how to go about this practice of gratitude? Well, many mindfulness experts suggest starting a gratitude journal. Each day, write down something you are grateful for, either in a book or on your phone, and over time, you may well notice a lifting of your mood and outlook.
In a 2016 study supported by the Greater Good Science Center and the Practice of Gratitude Project, it was found that over a course of 4 weeks, ‘’participants in the gratitude condition reported significantly better mental health than those in the expressive and control conditions.’’ Fascinating stuff.
And if you’re keen to keep working on yourself, check out these 5 ways to spend better quality time with yourself.