It’s the most wonderful time of the year, or so goes the song. For many though, this couldn’t be further from the truth; a time of painful reminders of loved ones no longer with us and relationships fallen apart in the year gone by. This is never more pertinent than for recently divorced or separated families. It’s important though, that any children involved still have the best, most magical time possible, and with that in mind, here are 5 IDEAL tips for managing your first Christmas as a divorced parent.
ALWAYS PUT YOUR CHILD FIRST
Some of the most cherished memories are forged in a child’s early Christmases. So ensuring your child has a happy Christmas full of magic and sparkle should always be the priority. This may likely require compromises between you and your ex-partner. As the festive period is generally considered to be a time for family, it is perfectly understandable for both parents to want to see the child on Christmas Day; however, no child wants to spend Christmas in the car.
So, if you and your ex-partner live far apart, then it is best you agree to alternate who has the child for Christmas Day each year. Perhaps also consider that traditions should be split too; Christmas may be the season of overeating, but it is unfair of your child to have to sit through two enormous festive meals in quick succession (particularly two sets of Brussel sprouts!).
PUT ANIMOSITY TO ONE SIDE
Animosity between you and your ex-partner can have a damaging effect on your child, and there’s no time of the year more likely to have tensions running high and emotions wild than Christmas. Unless there are welfare concerns, both parents should have the chance to spend quality time with the child. Competing over who buys the best present isn’t a good look for either parent, so discuss potential gifts together, taking into account your differing financial situations and sharing the burden if need be.
BE CLEAR, BE CONCISE
Be clear on arrangements early on with your ex-partner, your child and any other relatives, and ensure these are adhered to (being late for a handover is a sure-fire way to sour the Christmas spirit). If there is clarity at an early stage, everyone benefits from the time and foresight required plan activities. That way, no-one misses out. If families have different cultural beliefs and traditions, be sure to factor these into your planning.
The wishes of grandparents and remote-living relatives can complicate an already difficult situation. But if the expectations of extended family are managed earlier in the year, this avoids disappointment and Skype/Facetime calls can be arranged.
Finally, be clear with your child and allow them to voice any concerns. Assure them that Santa will still be able to find them, even if they’re not in the family home.
LOOK AFTER YOURSELF
Your child’s enjoyment of Christmas depends on there being a happy and loving environment at home. You’ll be best placed to create this atmosphere if you look after your own mental wellbeing. If you are not having the children on Christmas Day, arrange to stay with family or to meet friends who are in a similar situation. Children can also experience guilt if they know they are leaving you alone on Christmas; they’ll feel more secure knowing that your happiness, too, is in good hands over the festive season.
HAVE LEGAL ADVICE AT HAND
Unfortunately, sometimes separated parents reach an impasse and may therefore decide to speak to solicitors, such as the guys at Goodman Ray, attend mediation or even apply to Court to work out arrangements. These processes can take time, so plan ahead. And remember, when you have reached an agreement, you should always put it in writing along with confirmation that it is agreed to by both parties.
There are four common models which separated couples follow over the festive season.
Option 1: Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with one parent, Boxing Day and the following day with the other. This would alternate each year.
Option 2: Christmas Eve and Christmas Day morning with one parent, Christmas day afternoon and Boxing Day with the other, alternating each year. This is not advised if the two parties live far away.
Option 3: Both parents are present from morning to evening of Christmas Day. This is only suitable for couples with low animosity. If you do chose this route, be careful not to present yourself as a family unit and therefore give the child false hope.
Option 4: The week over Christmas with one parent and the week over New Year with the other. This is a useful arrangement if you often go away over Christmas, or if you want to enjoy the whole Christmas period uninterrupted.
The model you agree to in the first year doesn’t necessarily have to be the same as future years.