Marriages can end for many different reasons and no two situations will ever be quite the same. Whether you are separating amicably or not, the emotional and practical upheaval of a divorce is often one of the most distressing things that can happen to a person.
While you’re reeling from the shock and sadness surrounding the end of your marriage, you are also attempting to manage the practical aspects of moving on, telling friends and family and learning how to rediscover yourself as an individual. A little friendly advice, then, can go a long way. We’re here to help, with these; our 5 IDEAL tips for coping with separation and divorce.
STOP PLACING BLAME
It’s natural to place blame when a marriage ends, but the truth is that fault is rarely one-sided. This is why it’s useless to continue blaming your ex or yourself for things that have gone wrong. Equally, dwelling on what you could or should have done differently is unhelpful once the break up is finite.
You will be able to learn from your breakup, but ideally, you can take these lessons forward in a positive light. Allow yourself to move on.
TELL YOUR CHILDREN TOGETHER
If you can, it’s best to tell your children about your divorce (should you have kids of course) together so that neither parent has to bear the entire responsibility while the other is perceived as having ‘left.’
Whilst you may no longer be living with your spouse during the divorce, your children mustn’t feel like they’ve been abandoned by either party, and should know that both parents love them and will continue to care for them and that they are not at fault for the marriage coming to an end.
Though the temptation may be strong, do your best not to speak about your ex negatively in front of the children and don’t ask them to relay messages between you. Your children love both their parents and have a right to a positive relationship with both of them untainted by your feelings about one another.
YOU DON’T NEED TO TELL EVERYONE EVERYTHING
Keeping your sanity intact and retaining control of your mental health should take priority here, make no mistake. As such, remember that you don’t owe everyone in your life an explanation as to why you have separated. Your immediate friends and family are bound to want to understand what has happened so they can support you, but outside of a trusted circle, you only need to share basic information if it’s needed. Intimate and personal details of your private life are yours, and at your discretion, to give.
SPEND TIME WITH POSITIVE FRIENDS AND FAMILY
There’s a whole lot of acrimony and formality in life events like this, and sometimes it can be easy to forget that you have a life to get on with. Try to surround yourself with friends and family who will boost your self-esteem and listen to you without trying to tell you what to do. You do not need to spend time with people who bring you down or try to keep you dwelling on the past and wallowing in self-pity. Look after yourself following the break up, and eventually, things will look a little rosier.
KEEP COMMUNICATIONS WITH YOUR EX ‘BUSINESS-LIKE’
If you’re able to communicate with your ex in a civil – even friendly – way, then that is ideal, but in the early stages, there are often far too many emotions flying around to make this realistic. Written communication such as emails or texts can help to keep conversations factual and minimise the temptation to become emotional. There are even online divorce forms available, should you wish to keep all admin in the virtual space. They also mean you can keep a record of what has been agreed in terms of arrangements for children and finances.
A family solicitor can help you to resolve disputes about finances, property or arrangements for children, enabling you to keep conflict and distress at bay.