‘‘What’s there to fight about? This is going to be easy – we’ll take half each and go our separate ways’’. This is exactly the naive assumption at the beginning of last year’s hit film Marriage Story, a heartbreaking flick about love and divorce which was nominated for several Academy Awards.
However, this idea – as so often seems the case – doesn’t turn out being quite so simple. As the couple lawyer up, ready for divorce, they discover a gruelling, coast-to-coast process with Nicole in LA and Charlie in New York.
Indeed, trying to finish a divorce process while living in a different state or country isn’t easy. From state jurisdictions, residency requirements to custody arrangements, the laws are different and communication breakdowns common. Different states have different rules, countries have mismatched cultural expectations, from divorce laws in Florida to divergent legislation in Kentucky, this can be one rocky road to traverse.
We’re here to provide a bit of guidance, to be a shoulder to cry on and friendly reminder to keep things cordial. With that in mind, here are 5 tips for dealing with divorce amicably from afar.
FIRST, THINK OF THE CHILDREN
However much it might feel like your world is collapsing around you, it’s your children (should you have any, of course) that have to be front row and centre when any decision making is made. The fact that there’s distance between you and your ex makes these decisions even more crucial and impactful on your child’s welfare. This isn’t just about sharing childcare with a co-parent around the corner; logistics are going to be much more complex.
There will be several legal considerations with long distance travel, child support contributions and sharing the burden of childcare. Do make sure you consult legal advice here; the Children Act 1989 emphasises ‘parental responsibility’ is shared and Child Arrangement Orders (CAO) will always prioritise the child’s needs. Just because you’re moving further away doesn’t mean you’ll be able to renege on your responsibilities. Neither should you be looking to.
Most importantly, always make sure you’re available, both physically and emotionally, when your child needs you; don’t allow the miles to cause your relationship to suffer.
BEWARE THE RISK OF COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN
We’ve all been there, firing off a text or tweet which is misconstrued, read wrong and results in fireworks. The risk of this happening is amplified when there’s distance between you and your ex.
As such, we’d implore you to keep communications business like. If you’re able to communicate with your ex in a civil – even friendly – way, then that is ideal, but in the early stages, there are often far too many emotions flying around to make this realistic. Written communication via email can help to keep conversations factual and minimise the temptation to become emotional. They also mean you can keep a record of what has been agreed in terms of arrangements for children and finances. Avoid, at all costs, getting trigger happy with the texting after too much Merlot. You’ll only regret it.
MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS
Studies suggest a link between divorce and the development of depression and anxiety, and conducting such a life-affirming process remotely can only serve to emphasise this sense of isolation.
There’s no stigma in seeking support; consider counselling should the onset of low mood occur. If you’re in a new area without the immediate shoulder of friends and family, try searching for a support group made up of people who are going through the same thing as you, as they can give you real, practical tools to help you cope with your own, unique situation. Divorce support groups exist across the UK, offering advice and counselling as well as a space to meet and converse with others in your situation.
You can also make several lifestyle changes which can help nurture a calm, balanced headspace ideal for coping with the strains of a big change. To keep things composed and rational, consider taking up meditation, giving you insight and clarity into a topsy turvy time, and hopefully enabling you to come out the other side a better person. We’ve written more about that over here; so check it out.
The mental health benefits of exercise are now firmly established too, so don’t neglect those daily runs or trips to the gym during the divorce process. The release of endorphins and opportunity to focus on some nourishment of body and soul will do you the world of good, there’s no doubt about that.
FIND DISTRACTION IN YOUR NEW NEIGHBOURHOOD
Escapism matters here, and if you’re the one who has relocated, then seek some positive distractions to help you think about something else during the day. Exploring a new part of town, seeking unfamiliar local delicacies to try, new coffee shops to hang out in, parks where you can exercise, and of course, making new friends, can also provide you with that distraction you need during this difficult time.
A word of caution, though, in immediately setting about finding a new partner. There’s a danger, here, in becoming over-reliant on a new lover’s emotional support a little too quickly and excessively, which will only be enhanced by the unfamiliar situation and city you find yourself in. Take things slow if you are intent on finding romance again, as you may well still be finding your feet and learning to cope with your divorce in a composed, healthy way.
EMBRACE THE BENEFITS OF DISTANCE
Though a divorce from afar seems to present a whole host of challenges, there are a couple of positives to take from the long distance nature of things. Firstly, the chance of bumping into your ex is massively reduced! This will be a relief to so many, as this can be a truly traumatic moment in the divorce process. What’s more, the distance between you can help lessen the resentment; granting both actors perspective, hindsight and breathing room. And that’s so important during a bad break up, don’t you think?